The former number-one girlfriend of the Playboy founder confirmed her break up with Hef this week, simply telling celebrity gossip blog TMZ: “Hef and I aren’t together.”

Truth is that old man sex is fucking nasty. It’s like when you walk in on your grandparents fucking, but your grandmother happens to be the lovely Holly Madison riding and grinding against shriveled prunes that drag against the bed and every once in a while your grandfather actually moves despite the risk of a stroke, always allowing the Grim Reapers Scythe to just miss, because he’s right there watching this horror and doing his best to end it.

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