Archive for the 'Madonna' Category

Madonna is so into working out and having old man arms that she apparently scheduled sex with Guy Ritchie around her gym visits. The Daily Mail reports:

A source close to the couple told the MailOnline last night: ‘With her time being so precious to her, and with there being more important things to her like spending three of four hours in the gym every day, it become just another thing in the diary. In the last couple of years, it was all schemed into the diary.
‘Guy of course felt this a tremendous turn-off to be at the same level of importance as, for example, her gym sessions and Kabbalah meetings.
‘As a consequence, their sex life died more than a year ago. It is no exaggeration to say that they had not shared a bed in a year when the divorce was announced. And when the sex died for them, the marriage was doomed.’

Sometimes she had a zombie take her place for some stand-in sex. Word is Guy didn’t know the difference, because sometimes Madonna’s parts fall off too. Plus they’re both pretty dry down there and it’s hard to compare scabs when they are all over. All you can really do is have sex and make sure the exorcist at the edge of the bed is ready should she get out of hand.

After months of speculation and rumors the Madonna Guy Ritchie divorce is finally happening, where he will rid himself of her leathery arms,face,tits and ass. According to reports in The Sun a statement regarding the divorce will be released today. Madonna had wanted to wait until her world tour concluded, but the pair are beyond even trying to pretend they are a happy couple. Between his high standards of wanting a real woman and her trailing dead skin everywhere it just didn’t work.

Madonna has sparked another controversy, this time not regarding her withered harpy body, but by including Republican presidential hopeful John McCain in a video montage shown on her new tour that includes Adolf Hitler and Robert Mugabe.

“The comparisons are outrageous, unacceptable and crudely divisive all at the same time,” McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bounds said in a statement reported by Fox News.

The montage is shown as Madonna performs the song “Get Stupid” on her “Sticky & Sweet” tour. She shows images of McCain, Hitler and Mugabe among shots depicting destruction and global warming until the song ends, when images of John Lennon, Al Gore, Mahatma Gandhi and Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama are shown.

I don’t see the problem. It’s called Get Stupid. Does Mccain think he’s smart or something? He’s not and he deserves to be in the montage. He’s part of the problem, while enlightened individuals like John Lennon are the kind of solution we need.

This is like when the old guy in the retirement home starts bitching. You don’t really give a shit and you figure he just needs his diaper changed.

He no doubt also claims to have rubbed a few out while watching it.

According to Great Britain’s The Daily Mail, a cameraman is trying to pedddle a Maddona/Alex Rodriguez sex tape. He claims the tape was shot with a hidden camera in an apartment owned by one of the singer’s Kabbalah friends, allegedly used by her and A-Rod for secret afternoon meetings.

Why would A-Rod bang a leathery old harpy when he could have anyone?

It’s always nice when an old leathery skank mentors a young used up skank. The Sun reports that the pair will join forces for Madonna’s “sticky and sweet tour”. Sticky and sweet?

How about Itchy and Scratchy? That’s how your left feeling after being with either one. If Madonna looks at you through the TV your dick burns. They will “appear together almost naked apart from tiny leather bondage pants and knee-high boots”.

The material girl is turning 50 this year, yet somehow she still manages to keep herself and her fake british accent in the spotlight. Now she, like many others are turning to technology for marketing.

Seven tracks from her upcoming album, Hard Candy, will be available to Vodafone customers before it’s April 28 release. The tunes will not be free apparently, just early so some can have bragging rights.

To Madonna: You shouldn’t name your new album Hard Candy.

A)Hard Candy is for old people to put in dishes on top of doilies.
B)It makes it too easy for me to make jokes about how your new album sucks like Hard Candy.
C)What is that, a sexual reference?
D)I enjoy softer candy, preferably with a nuget center. Snickers is really awesome and it really does satisfy me.

[Crave]

Often as a celebrities pocketbook expands, their penchant for being wasteful increases. Case in point, Madonna: The venereal material girl.

Spending $10,000 per month on water is about as stupid as it gets.

According to In Touch Weekly, she recently confided to a pal that she picked up the habit of drinking only specially blessed Kabbalah water, which costs about $5 per bottle. Apparently Madonna ships cartons of it to wherever she is staying, which also adds to the expense.

I admit, I don’t know what the hell Kabbalah water is, but just because some monk peed in it doesn’t make it worth $5 a bottle.

[MSNBC]