MyFace Condoms are custom condoms with your image printed on them. You can add your name and phone number if you like. It’s like a business card in that you will give it to someone, then that person may or may not get back to you, but if the do you’ll probably get f**ked. Just like in business.

Thing is, these are a bad idea. Let’s say I decide to bang some girl I shouldn’t be banging at someone else’s place where I should not be bringing girls to bang. Hey, it could happen. I do get a few hours to myself when not blogging about condoms and the like. Anyway, I open the condom, we do the nasty, she tells me that I’ve ruined her for all other men and we part company.

But I left the condom wrapper! Now they know my face. Now I have to explain to my grandmother why her hospital bed smells like sex, with my torn picture on the dresser.

[Nerve]

Check out these measuring condoms. It’s for those guys who get into arguments about who’s bigger, then have to whip it out and compare. Which is gay. And that’s how some homosexuals are created. Because when two guys are standing there holding their wangs they don’t have nothin’ to lose cept for their ass virginity. At least now they will know who’s bigger so they can form a power bottom/top plan. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

LifeStyles Condoms offered the 15-year-old skank in training $1 million to be the new “face” of their product. They think that Miley Cyrus, a self-proclaimed virgin, could encourage other teens to practice safe sex.

The VP of marketing for LifeStyles:

“With recent reports showing that one out of four teenage girls has an STD and the high level of teenage pregnancy, we believe that Miley Cyrus is both influential and relatable to this afflicted group of people - and the most obvious choice to get the safe sex message out to teens across America.”

They offered $1 million, and LifeStyles also offered Miley Cyrus a lifetime supply of condoms. I have a feeling she’ll need them.