Hugh Hefner’s new girlfriends Karissa Shannon and Kristina Shannon both have Florida police records! The 19 year-old twins who just moved into the Playboy Mansion, are both on probation for a battery arrest in St. Petersberg.

They were arrested in the early morning on Jan. 10 and booked on suspicion of felony aggravated battery, according to arrest reports. Both were released after posting $10,000 bonds. The twins were ordered to pay for restitution, and were given probation.

What does Hef care? I wouldn’t give a crap. Bad girls are hot in bed…Until they tie you down and steal all your shit so you gotta buy it back from ebay. But enough about my experience with the Olsen twins.

Hef says:

“They very much want to be girlfriends and now under the present circumstance, they probably will become my girlfriends,” Hef said yesterday.

Hef has been down in the dumps since Holly announced that it was over. No one could help him fake the fact that his dick still works better then Holly. Then he walked a few feet out his door and grabbed another, knighting her with a huge dildo on each shoulder and proclaiming her his new top ho.

“There’s been moments that I’ve been down in the dumps about all this, and (personal assistant) Mary (O’Connor) told me to cheer up and pointed out that there are girls lined up outside the front gate. At my age, that’s hard to believe, but it seems to be true.
“It’s a big house. And I’m not going to live alone. I’m definitely not going to live alone.”
It is believed Madison called the relationship off after Hefner refused to marry her or father her children.
But the 83-year-old says she learned of his reluctance to commit six months ago.
He adds, “The fact that she was depressed after that, I didn’t know at all. That was a revelation in the last days and weeks. Quite frankly, we thought when the time came, we would make a combined statement and we expected that combined statement would be somewhere in the weeks and months ahead.”

With Hugh Hefner confirming his relationships are done with the current Girls Next Door and rumors of his impending new relationship with twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon there is room for one more lady. The third ho will be a college senior from Georgia that has already done work for Playboy. Amy Leigh Andrews.

The former number-one girlfriend of the Playboy founder confirmed her break up with Hef this week, simply telling celebrity gossip blog TMZ: “Hef and I aren’t together.”

Truth is that old man sex is fucking nasty. It’s like when you walk in on your grandparents fucking, but your grandmother happens to be the lovely Holly Madison riding and grinding against shriveled prunes that drag against the bed and every once in a while your grandfather actually moves despite the risk of a stroke, always allowing the Grim Reapers Scythe to just miss, because he’s right there watching this horror and doing his best to end it.

Hugh Hefner’s youngest and dumbest girlfriend/ho Kendra Wilkinson is reportedly dating Hank Baskett of the Philadelphia Eagles, according to Page Six. They which also confirms the rumors of Holly Madison and Criss Angel hooking up are true:

As for Madison’s fling with Angel, Hefner smirked, “One hopes . . . that when she starts dating, she’ll have better taste.” Only Bridget Marquardt, who is married to a man in Ohio, has stayed loyal while developing a show for the Travel Channel.

So Kendra’s new career is dating sports players. What else was she gonna do, honestly.

Hef always has a good eye. He knows how to spot a money-grubbing ho and capitalize on her greed. Hef wants Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin to pose naked in Playboy magazine…if her White House campaign fails.
The 44-year-old Alaska Governor and former beauty queen has a huge male following(God knows why, she’s obviously the type that looks better with clothes on. I mean you can tell she would be good for head now and then, but you don’t want any part of that vagina. It would suck you in turn you into another mindless Washington A-hole) and Hefner is convinced the magazine would fly off the shelves if she agreed.

Kendra Wilkinson is moving out of the Playboy Mansion and starring in her own reality show. How she made this happen, I have no idea. I think it involved Hef’s penis, viagra and some Redbull. Also it turns out Holly Madison did not leave the Mansion for Criss Angel. His people are believed to be behind the rumor. But Hugh Hefner tells E! Online that the other girls may be getting spinoffs too:

While he won’t confirm anything about Wilkinson, Hefner says, “I think all three girls are likely to get spinoffs. I think they will be interconnected to the main show, and we will all appear on both.”
For now, however, Hef, Wilkinson and his two other girlfriends, Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt, have other things to think about, like the Oct. 5 premiere of season five of GND.
Even Hefner is amazed at how successful the show has become. “It’s amazing. We’re about to launch season five,” he said, adding, “We thought it would be a one-season wonder.”

Rumor is that Holly left Hef. I say it’s bullshit. He would have to forcibly pry her cold dead hands from his Playboy money and sperm. Also apparently Holly somehow has been seeing Criss Angel, the half retard magician. Talk about downgrading. That guy makes I Am Sam look like Sean Connery.

Holly, Kendra and Bridget have some competition in the form of Ukranian model Dasha Astafieva, Hugh Hefner’s new girlfriend. Apparently Hugh’s current threesome are not happy about it at all …

Rumor is that Downey will play Hugh Hefner. He’s been named by Hugh Hefner to portray him in the biopic “Playboy” about the 82-year-old’s life of luxury and excess. Interesting. From Iron Man to Bunny Humper.