Here she is again with the hair and clothing of my grandmother. Katie will make her Broadway debut on Sept. 18 in the play ” All My Sons”. Apparently Tom gave her permission to be out in the world.

So Tom and Kate moved into some new digs in Beverly Hills and threw a housewarming party. I’m guessing it involved rituals to their UFO god, where one guest gets anally raped at a time until they have enough butt-fuel to escape Earth’s velocity and get back to wherever the fuck they’re from. Oprah was there too. You’ll get a ton of methane ass fuel from that one.

It goes without saying, but I’m gonna say it anyway. The party had an ulterior Scientology motive:

One attendee said, “Everyone he’s been having issues with was invited: Sumner Redstone, Steven Spielberg, Oprah Winfrey, you name it. Then there were all the gays, which was hilarious because Scientology ‘cures’ gays . . . There’s a tenet in Scientology that basically says, ‘After you cut people off, you have to invite them back in

Scientology “cures” gays? I guess Tom is the exception to the rule.

[Page Six]

Recent pictures of 2-year-old Suri Cruise, spawn of Tom and Kate, still using a bottle made some question Tom and Katie’s parenting skills. But maybe it’s Scientology’s fault.

According to Defamer, L. Ron Hubbard ordered Scientologist moms to feed their children a mixture of barley water, homogenized milk, and lots of honey, which is a recipe he obtained during time travel to ancient Rome. Some say the cocktail can be toxic.

I say get all babies away from Scientologists as quick as humanly possible. But as far as their formula being toxic, I think it might surprise many people to know just how toxic most mainstream baby formula is as well. And I’m not just saying that so I can see moms breastfeeding. Okay, I am. I walk around the mall to get my fix of milfs handing out liquid lunch. So what?

[Defamer]

Star Magazine is reporting that Katie Holmes has been a bad girl. She spent 3 days at Gold Base, the Scientology compound in Hemet, CA. According to an inside source, she went through some serious tests and purification sessions at Tom Cruise’s insistence.

The source said that the boot camp includes, “various tests, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes. Tom insists that auditing and purification practices are incredibly beneficial to Scientologists at all levels.” Apparently, one of the auditing sessions reportedly lasts 36 hours with little sleep and food.

Seems that things haven’t changed all that much since L. Ron Hubbard decided to create himself a fake religion all those years ago. I’ll never understand why so many people have fallen for it, but the old jackass was right. There’s a ton of money to be made having your own religion. One can only hope that the more brutal aspects that we’ve heard about are no longer in practice, but somehow I think they are alive and well.

[Damnimcute]

Tom Cruise thinks Victoria Beckham may have too much influence on his zombie wife, Katie Holmes. And yes that pic IS in fact Katie Holmes and IS NOT an old friend of your mother’s from the retirement home.

According to a source:

“Katie sees Victoria as a role model.”

“She copies Victoria’s look and even cut her hair the same way. She is very thin largely because she is following Victoria’s strict 900-calories-a-day eating plan. She is copying Victoria’s fad of eating seaweed shakes, frozen grapes and edamame beans. She is tiny.”

First off, who the hell would use that reject for a role model? Secondly, seaweed shakes are for mermaids. This girl needs serious kelp.(get it? Kelp…)

At a recent lunch at L.A.’s Osteria Mozza, Holmes ate “only steamed asparagus as an appetizer, then a tiny plate of chilled beets for her entrée,” a diner told Life and Style magazine.

Then there was another encounter, where Katie and Posh shared a green salad without dressing, one piece of fish and one side of steamed spinach. They also ordered one regular Coke and two glasses of ice.

These two dingbats can at least help keep each other tethered to the planet, while the air in their heads builds up like helium.

[Damnimcute]

Ex-Scientologist Marc Headley reveals some interesting tidbits about our favorite Scientologist Jackass Tom Cruise. Apparently he had a casting call where he was auditioning for his new wife.

“They went for Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba, in that order. Jennifer and Jessica didn’t bite but Scarlett took the bait and came in for an audition. When she arrived and found out it was the Scientology Center in Hollywood, she freaked out and didn’t do a tape.”

Katie was their fourth choice. She agreed to show up to the Scientology center for an audition. The rest is history and she has been programmed easier then a low-tech 80’s Commodore 64 computer.

[DamnImCute]

More news from the whacked out world of Scientology.

Little Suri Cruise is not even two-years-old, but her parents treat her like an adult. That’s apprently because Tom and Katie, as Scientologists, believe their daughter has lived for billions of years or some crap. They probably believe she shits golden pellets from her diaper-hole, which they study under a microscope for secret messages regarding the coming of Zenu, their overlord.

Their daughter does not even go to bed until 11pm supposedly. Tom forbids television and will severely limit her internet use when she’s old enough to use a computer. He fears anti-Scientology messages. He does not want to anger the Scientology gods.

P.S. That kid looks downright evil!

[Damnimcute]

Does not compute! Does not compute! Logic circuits overloaded! Warning! Warning!

Looks like Scientology has a ways to go before their programming of an individual is perfected. Katie reportedly stormed out of a Scientology meeting, pissed off and stressed over her handler Tom’s recent video shenanigans. Also, “Mad Money,” Katie’s first movie since Tom jumped into her life – isn’t doing so well at the box office. She’s probably pissed that Tom made her do that little celluloid turd, when she could have been in “The Dark Knight”.

I’m sure her programming/psychotropic drugs will kick in soon and she will be back to acting like a Zombie with a new hair do.

Poor Katie, we hardly knew ye.

[Celebitchy]

Katie Holmes attended the 2007 Bambi Awards in support of her handler husband Tom Cruise, sporting a Japanese Harajuku Girl haircut that seems to say, “I love you long time Mistah Tom Cruise”.

One can only surmise that the final phase of brainwashing is in progress. Her new style just screams conformity and a carefree lack of individual thought.

In a candid interview with her new do, some secrets were revealed:

“Yeah, Mistah think me too wild. He teach me. Me love him long time and go by the name Zhang Chow in private. Him jump on couch and say he in love! Get over yourself Mistah. He not so bad weally. Mistah only put me in the thought machine one time for trying to escape during marathon.”

Well, there you have it. Straight from the victim’s scalp. Poor Katie. In five years God only knows what she’ll look like. Maybe the end game is to look exactly like Tom.

No matter how you slice it, I’m creeped out.

[CelebrityRumors]

Scientology victim through marriage and Cruise arm ornament, Katie Holmes has been training for the NYC Marathon. I have to believe that this is Katie’s last chance plan to escape her Scientology programming. While hubby Tom was out filming some movie that will take a back seat to his glistening pearly whites, Katie has been preparing for the big race.

Katie’s rep wouldn’t confirm or deny, but an article in OK! magazine alleges the couple’s security team is investigating what safety measures would need to be taken if Katie decides to run.

She has got to be planning escape from her Stepford Wife existence! I mean, in every photo I have seen lately, she looks pale, frail and unhealthy. This has to be a ploy to escape her role as the newest baby maker in L. Ron Hubbard land.

Katie. PopTherapy can help. If you manage to pull off this plan of yours, we can make you disappear. We’ve done it before. Many stars have come to us in need. We will give you a new identity if you leave your Hollywood life behind. Somewhere in Iowa or Kansas maybe. You can start over and have a new life. Seriously, we have funds set aside.

We like to call it our Wit-less relocation program. Email me!