She told The Sun:

“I convinced myself I was pregnant when I was 13 and I hadn’t even got my period.”

That’s because you are not very bright dear. I hope she didn’t think it was Jack’s. Who knows what goes on in that head. All I know is she seems to be preaching about contraception.

“I am not the kind of person who talks about my sex life, but I am not afraid to talk about contraception. I go three, maybe four times a year to get tested for sexually transmitted infections and most of the time I don’t even need to. I just go for peace of mind.”

Yeah but….Who the hell is fucking you and don’t they make drugs to correct that? No offense Kelly, but if I ever find myself thinking, “Damn I’d like to some of that chubby psycho oinker” I’m gonna cut my own nuts off and put myself on some serious medication.

Here’s one for all of you who give a shit about how Kelly Osbourne learned about the birds and bees.

She was given sex education lessons while on tour with her father, because organizers handed out free condoms to everyone backstage. You know, because it was a real fuckfest. Fuckfest 85 I think it was called. Ozzy was fucking Sharon because no one else would, roadies were fucking each other. The bat that got it’s head bit off was being skull fucked by some dude or other. Good times.

See, the 23-year-old spent a lot of time on the road as a child, touring with her dad’s band, Black Sabbath. The lifestyle forced her mother, Sharon Osbourne, to tell her the facts of life at a young age.

She tells British magazine New!, “I was on tour with my dad and at every single one of his shows, they hand out free condoms. I was about seven or eight and I picked up a packet and was like, ‘Mum, what’s this?’
“She had to explain to me what they were. It was something my parents have never been shy about. They always told us what they think and that we should protect ourselves.”

Apparently Axl is a chubby chaser. According to OK! Kelly bumped into the singer at a recent Hollywood party.

“He was really weird with her,” said the Heatherette fashionista at a party for the launch of the new Tide and Downy Total Care washing liquid. “He kept leering at her and saying, “I want to f*** you!”

Axl may have hit the lowest low in his career.

Kelly Osbourne left her house in London yesterday looking like she stepped out of line with a lesbian lover. Kelly wouldn’t say how she got the shiner though.

I have my own theory. It was Brutus. Check out the anchor on her arm. She’s obviously Popeye. Brutus was probably hitting on her lesbian squeeze Olive Oil and Kelly wasn’t having any of it. But I think Brutus got to her before she could open a can of spinach, or in this case vagina. She won’t be caught off guard again and will be constantly eating spinach/vagina.