So Tom and Kate moved into some new digs in Beverly Hills and threw a housewarming party. I’m guessing it involved rituals to their UFO god, where one guest gets anally raped at a time until they have enough butt-fuel to escape Earth’s velocity and get back to wherever the fuck they’re from. Oprah was there too. You’ll get a ton of methane ass fuel from that one.

It goes without saying, but I’m gonna say it anyway. The party had an ulterior Scientology motive:

One attendee said, “Everyone he’s been having issues with was invited: Sumner Redstone, Steven Spielberg, Oprah Winfrey, you name it. Then there were all the gays, which was hilarious because Scientology ‘cures’ gays . . . There’s a tenet in Scientology that basically says, ‘After you cut people off, you have to invite them back in

Scientology “cures” gays? I guess Tom is the exception to the rule.

[Page Six]

I feel like I’ve been mind-fucked after watching this thing. It starts out with Cruise entering to some Top-Gun music as scenes from Top Gun play behind the guitarist. Then Cruise is in his seat acting INSANE and DEMENTED as he claps like a retard. It goes downhill from there.

Funny thing is, Andrew Morton wrote in his best-selling biography of Tom Cruise that the Hollywood star is prominent in the hierarchy of the Church of Scientology. This enraged the sect:

“Insinuations that Mr. Cruise is second-in-command of the Church are not only false, they are ludicrous,” the Scientologists maintained. “He is neither 2nd or 100th. Mr. Cruise is a Scientology parishioner and holds no official or unofficial position in the Church hierarchy. Claims to the contrary are offensive to both Mr. Cruise and the Church.”

Then what the hell gives? This aint a bash for your average converted pod person.

After the movie clips are played, and the bands perform, Cruise says: “This is incredible… It’s the best birthday ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, and I mean ever!”

Thanks Tom, this shit never gets old. Scientology keeps me in stitches and I don’t just mean when they force your eyes open to look at the pretty lights.

[Gawker]

Sean Combs/Puff Daddy/Pee Deeply/P. Diddy (or whatever the hell he’s called today) is launching a car service to drive drunk celebrities home.

Brilliant. He saw a need in the market and he’s exploiting it. He hopes it will put an end to many celebrity DUI arrests.

A representative for Combs says, “He wants to make sure everyone’s partying responsibly.”

Hey Sean…Any chance you can create a service that puts underwear on Britney’s crotch? I’m getting kinda tired of seeing that particular Hot Pocket.

[DamnImCute]

It’s a hard job reporting on Paris stories, cuz on one hand she is an annoying biatch, but on the other hand, I’d still do her.

Despite my predicament, I wholeheartedly agree. Whenever she is on stage she needs to be told to get the fuck off. Then perhaps a gentle swat on the nose with newspaper. The same when she starts rubbing her ass across the carpet because she has worms.

Anyhow, it all went down during 50’s performance at Paris Hilton’s pre-Super Bowl party for 944 magazine. The rapper gave a shout out to Paris, who started singing in the front row. She then went on stage and started dancing. 50 Cent told her: “Excuse me, you. Could you get the fu** off the stage?”

Hilton reportedly started balling and tried to beg the party’s staff to let her dance, whining “But it’s my party!”

Funny thing is, since she was cut off from her inheritance, it only added up to about $1.50 with both of their sorry asses on stage.

[Damnimcute]