Paris Hilton is looking for a new BFF and she’s taking to the airwaves to do it. Her latest song, “My BFF,” premiered on Ryan Seacrest’s KIIS-FM radio show Tuesday. It’s one half sperm whale getting it’s anus ripped apart by a bulldozer and one half sound byte from a slaughterhouse. My ears are fucking killing me now.

It will be the theme to her new MTV show, Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, which starts tonight.

Hear it here.

A new website is claiming to have the first “leaked single,” entitled “Candy From Strangers” from Britney Spears’ sixth studio album, Circus.

I don’t know if it’s true or not, but it sounds like vomit mixed with feces which is her M.O.

Hey why not? If Heidi Montag can do it, so can a lobotomized monkey snorting crack.

Her thing can be putting the mic up to her gi-normous ass after a huge mexican meal, singing such hits as Chocolate Rain, or a sequel to Candle In The Wind titled “Blowing Out That Candle In The Wind With A Cartegory 5 Ass Hurricane”.

E! Online reports:

“I would be down, if it was something fun. I love music, so it would just have to be the right thing.”
If and when she pursues this, Kim has an all-star list of performers with whom she’d like to collaborate…
“I’d say a little bit Michael Jackson in there. I would love to work with, like, Timbaland as a producer and maybe Justin Timberlake.”

This video may be worse than listening to her sing the actual song. I’m conflicted. Do I puke our rub one out nostalgically while thinking back to Jane Fonda workout videos?

Update: I’ve decided there’s no reason I can’t do both while blogging from a coffee shop and that’s probably why this douchebag is asking me to leave.

Update 2: Handcuffs really fucking hurt and I would have pulled my pants up and left. I was just waiting for my boner to go down first. These jeans are tight. This ass doesn’t just look like this on it’s own. Fucking Heidi Montag gets me in all sorts of trouble.

Hayden is looking as hot as ever. I’m hoping that this next season of heroes gives her some sexual superpowers, but until then here’s a promotional video she made for Candie’s. Make sure you have the kleenex box next to you before you watch it, cuz it’s probably good to rub one out. And that’s about all it’s good for. Mute the volume. That reminds me, I have to buy more Kleenex.

Yesterday we reported on Hayden Panettiere’s new single “Wake Up Call.” Well, the 18-year-old star released a video to go with it. I find that cotton soaked Vaseline stops ear bleeding.

It’s like a worm crawled in my ear, started a fire and pissed all over my brain to put it out. I guess because she’s hot she thinks she can do anything. She can’t. Stop singing now!!!!

She is seriously pissed off at the fact that Eddie impregnated her and then never gave a shit about their daughter. She’s so mad, she’s gonna make a song about him. Not that anyone would hear…But she’s doing it anyway.

“The working title on my new song is Beverly Hills C**k because that is what he is. He never bothers with his daughter. I mean, what kind of man is that?”

How about Beverly Hills douche?